Former 'Family Ties' star Brian

Bonsall remains a fugitive

http://www.dailycamera.com/news/2008/jul/24/family-ties-brian-bonsall-fugitive/

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BLUEFIELD, WA - Residents of Bluefield West Virginia (pop. 11,541) have come to the aid of Hobert Gainsfield, a local resident charged with sexual animal abuse with a cow.

Gainsfield was arrested last week when a police officer noticed strange bleeting sounds coming from the Johnson barn. When the officer investigated he found the defendant engaged in what was described as a 'elaborate sexual exhange' with an adult female cow.

Residents of the small town are asking for the release of Hobert on the grounds that the cow needed to be taught a lesson and that Hobert was in fact doing a great service to the entire town. Local farmer Fred Polard commented on the situation, "That cow was askin' for it. She was always rockin' her butt too and frow and lookin' backwards with those big eyes of hers, she was asking for something like this to happen."

District attorney Paul Hedgeford said there was no excsue for Hobert's behavior. "We cannot condone having sex with cows, no matter how seductive their actions. We must live under the rule of law, and that law, right now, says we cannot enjoy the sweet love of a cow's anus."

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Dr. Hugh Nutes

Dear internet guys,

I understand many of you spend large amounts of time online and haven't yet experienced many basic elements of life; driving without your parents, masturbating in your own house, doing ladies, giving a lady a dutch oven, etc. etc.

Many young people have come to me and asked about penis size. It's natural to have fears about your small penis. Every man at one point in his life wonders if their small penis is actually as small as they think it is. Calm down, don't panic and call your sister to give you a back rub and then secretly want to marry her.

Use the following guide to make calm your penis worries.

Length:

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WASHINGTON, D.C - The FDA has fingered serrano peppers for being the culprit of the recent salmonella scare that sickened over 1,000 people since April. To the FDA's horror, the seranno peppers enjoyed being fingered.

FDA spokesperon Ray Tanlupe described the situation to a crowd of surprised journalists, "The FDA has limited the source of the salmonella outreak to a specific scrop of serrano peppers grown in Mexico. Once the point of origin was determined, the FDA fingered the crop to teach it a lesson. To our surprise, the peppers actually enjoyed the abuse and asked to be handcuffed the next time we invaded them. We have never come across this type of behavior before and are looking into further punative measures to combat the pepper's apparent desire for degredation."

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SAN DIEGO, CA - The U.S. Customs and Border Protection stepped up their fight against illegal immigration by targeting illegal animal immigration.

Ralph Baaham, Commissioner of the US Customs and Border Protection related his concerns, "Over six million illegal immigrants evade our immigration and inspectors at the border each year. We have however been ignoring an even greater number of animals who illegally enter our border who number in the tens of millions. This negligence to stop illegal animals invading our country will now stop. The CBP will immediately institute a three tier policy to seriously crack down on the illegal animal immigration."

Activists asking for tighter restrictions on animal immigration for years feel vindicated by the recent developments. Jonah Spencer with the League to Defend American Animals issued a press release indicating, "For too long illegal Mexican squirrels have been taking good American nuts from hard working American squirrels. I hope to see a day when no Mexican pigeon will be able to invade our country and take prime statue real estate from God fearing American pigeons. This is a good day to be an American animal!"

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Joe Perlioni was flipping channels when he accidentally stumbled upon a professional jump roping competition. "I originally thought jump roping was way gay, but then the women started jumping up and down and I was like, ohhhhh that's why people watch this."

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oh how the mighty are falling...

http://jonathanturley.org/2008/07/21/obama-adviser-cass-sunstein-rejects-prosecution-of-possible-bush-crimes/

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