5 ways to hack your girlfriend

Submitted by amilh on Wed, 2008-07-02 00:40.

Let's face it, girlfriends are a lot of work. You will spend untold hours putting in time wining, dining, and getting to know women over your lifetime. Why not take some shortcuts to getting your way, at least most of the time.

1. Presents. This sounds like an obvious one but it god damn works. Don't just go for the obvious gift, think of something obscure she said in passing while forcing you to to go a cultural event where she talked the entire time instead of looking at the said cultural activity. She will love her obscure gift and it will buy you valuable points which you will need in the future when you accidentally sleep with her old college roommate.

2. Cuddling After Sex. This is a must. Whatever you do, you must stay awake. If you have problems do any of the following;
-bring a ham sandwich in bed to revive your attention
-think of the time when the Bulls won the 98 championship, this will make you either upset or very happy
-hum Bloody Sunday over and over again until it makes sense

3. Alcohol. Bypass long conversations about your girlfriend's grandmother and how amazing she was by giving her lots and lots of alcohol. By inebriating your lady friend you will not only make her more interesting you will also discard that hang up she has about doing X with your Y in the back of an uncomfortable Z.

4. Emotions. This is easier than you think. Many men are too scared to talk about their inner feelings, but if you follow this step you will breeze past any mine laden conversation. Say you talking with your girlfriend and she brings up the subject of taking your relationship to the next level. Don't freak. Just reverse the question and ask her how she feels about it. Bam, she will launch into a 15 minute conversation which you should dutifully nod your head and agree with EVERYTHING she has to say. Don't worry about the consequences of agreeing now, you can deal with that later.

5. Notebooks. This is actually a two part hack. The first is to lie like crazy. Lying is like a man's makeup, you should make sure you do it everyday, and make sure you do it right otherwise you look like a whore who cheats on their boyfriend with their best friend.... I digress, lying is a great tool in virtually every single situation. The problem most men have is they stumble on their own lies. This is where the simple invention of the notebook comes in. Simple write down your lie in the notebook and consult the notebook before you meet your girlfriend. This can clear up any messy instance of your girlfriend learning that instead of going to her aunt's funeral you were really playing Halo in your underwear at home.