Dr. Hugh Nutes

Dear internet guys,

I understand many of you spend large amounts of time online and haven't yet experienced many basic elements of life; driving without your parents, masturbating in your own house, doing ladies, giving a lady a dutch oven, etc. etc.

Many young people have come to me and asked about penis size. It's natural to have fears about your small penis. Every man at one point in his life wonders if their small penis is actually as small as they think it is. Calm down, don't panic and call your sister to give you a back rub and then secretly want to marry her.

Use the following guide to make calm your penis worries.

Length:

SAN DIEGO, CA - The U.S. Customs and Border Protection stepped up their fight against illegal immigration by targeting illegal animal immigration.

Ralph Baaham, Commissioner of the US Customs and Border Protection related his concerns, "Over six million illegal immigrants evade our immigration and inspectors at the border each year. We have however been ignoring an even greater number of animals who illegally enter our border who number in the tens of millions. This negligence to stop illegal animals invading our country will now stop. The CBP will immediately institute a three tier policy to seriously crack down on the illegal animal immigration."

Activists asking for tighter restrictions on animal immigration for years feel vindicated by the recent developments. Jonah Spencer with the League to Defend American Animals issued a press release indicating, "For too long illegal Mexican squirrels have been taking good American nuts from hard working American squirrels. I hope to see a day when no Mexican pigeon will be able to invade our country and take prime statue real estate from God fearing American pigeons. This is a good day to be an American animal!"

I was just moaning to friends that Bataman sucks, is totally full of itself, and seems to be parroting Bush's favorite messaging on terror. I guess someone at WSJ agrees.

There seems to me no question that the Batman film "The Dark Knight," currently breaking every box office record in history, is at some level a paean of praise to the fortitude and moral courage that has been shown by George W. Bush in this time of terror and war.

Like W, Batman is vilified and despised for confronting terrorists in the only terms they understand. Like W, Batman sometimes has to push the boundaries of civil rights to deal with an emergency, certain that he will re-establish those boundaries when the emergency is past.

And like W, Batman understands that there is no moral equivalence between a free society -- in which people sometimes make the wrong choices -- and a criminal sect bent on destruction. The former must be cherished even in its moments of folly; the latter must be hounded to the gates of Hell. "The Dark Knight," then, is a conservative movie about the war on terror. And like another such film, last year's "300," "The Dark Knight" is making a fortune depicting the values and necessities that the Bush administration cannot seem to articulate for beans.

With another Steve Jobs keynote looming Monday, rumors are flying about what other new products Apple will preview.

Initial reports suggest Jobs will announce another Nike collaboration and unveil the highly anticipated iBra.

David Zeiler of the Baltimore Sun was jubilant about the news, "This is really a breakthrough in modern design. The iBra will calculate the exact movement of their breasts as they move, and constrict or loosen accordingly, creating the perfect support."

Discussions boards suggest the iBra will also contain a 250GB hard drive that will allow users to store movies that can be projected with an accessory unit which will be placed over the areolas.

"Just imagine a scenario where you finished a 10 mile run, but you feel great because your breasts have had perfect support the entire run. Then after your jog you hookup your iBra video extension and project your favorite episode of Friends to your viewing pleasure" Jan Daly of MacWorld noted.

As usual, Apple is very tight-lipped about what may or may not be arriving during this year's WWDC.

WASHINGTON, D.C - Former President Bill Clinton denied his involvement with actress Gina Gershon, claiming he only slept with unattractive women.

"I want all of the media to take a step back and look at what you're saying. Everyone knows my track record, Jennifer flowers, Monica Lewinsky, oh and my wife Hillary Clinton. I mean look at them, they're not hot. Why would I deviate from such a great history of boning ugly broads? I mean c'mon media this isn't me," Clinton said.

A Vanity Affair article suggests that Clinton's personality had changed since his
2004 heart bypass surgery and said there were reports of Clinton
"seeing a lot of women on the road."

Advisers close to the Clinton campaign also question the validity of the claims. James Carville noted, "I'm used to seein the President with all sorts of scags, hags, and fatties, but hot women just isn't what Bill is into. I'd be willing to bet this is a right wing conspiracy."

Gina Gershon has asked for a retraction from the article, sighting that her acting credentials would be significantly impaired if people though she was ugly enough to be on the Bill Clinton roster.

Shhhh...Grandpa McCain will make it all better.

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This video is absolutely amazing, and massively frightening. A European friend keeps telling me to support Clinton, because the country isn't ready for a black president -- especially with the middle-name of, "Hussein." He may very well be right, but I say force the racists to the surface and let's see who wins. Either way, we deserve what we get.

You know Hill, it is damn sad that this has become the base of your supporters. Congrats! Looks like your years of pandering to war hawks and backwards moralists has really paid off. They have completely forgot you are a woman and a liberal. Mission Accomplished.

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This is a great spoof on the Bill O'Reilly meltdown video, but the throw-away bit is actually the funniest as Colbert reports some hometown news:

At this pet store, it really is a dog eat dog world.

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If only I saw this anti-smoking PSA when I was younger, I wouldn't be a chain smoking hooligan.



Star Wars Anti Smoking Ad