SAN DIEGO, CA - The U.S. Customs and Border Protection stepped up their fight against illegal immigration by targeting illegal animal immigration.

Ralph Baaham, Commissioner of the US Customs and Border Protection related his concerns, "Over six million illegal immigrants evade our immigration and inspectors at the border each year. We have however been ignoring an even greater number of animals who illegally enter our border who number in the tens of millions. This negligence to stop illegal animals invading our country will now stop. The CBP will immediately institute a three tier policy to seriously crack down on the illegal animal immigration."

Activists asking for tighter restrictions on animal immigration for years feel vindicated by the recent developments. Jonah Spencer with the League to Defend American Animals issued a press release indicating, "For too long illegal Mexican squirrels have been taking good American nuts from hard working American squirrels. I hope to see a day when no Mexican pigeon will be able to invade our country and take prime statue real estate from God fearing American pigeons. This is a good day to be an American animal!"

With another Steve Jobs keynote looming Monday, rumors are flying about what other new products Apple will preview.

Initial reports suggest Jobs will announce another Nike collaboration and unveil the highly anticipated iBra.

David Zeiler of the Baltimore Sun was jubilant about the news, "This is really a breakthrough in modern design. The iBra will calculate the exact movement of their breasts as they move, and constrict or loosen accordingly, creating the perfect support."

Discussions boards suggest the iBra will also contain a 250GB hard drive that will allow users to store movies that can be projected with an accessory unit which will be placed over the areolas.

"Just imagine a scenario where you finished a 10 mile run, but you feel great because your breasts have had perfect support the entire run. Then after your jog you hookup your iBra video extension and project your favorite episode of Friends to your viewing pleasure" Jan Daly of MacWorld noted.

As usual, Apple is very tight-lipped about what may or may not be arriving during this year's WWDC.

It finally makes sense...They're too "shy." So that's why she threw that drink in my face -- not so much, "Get a life, loser!" as, "I'm shy; let's talk online instead. Thank you Facebook.

"Kristin" didn't surprise anyone by becoming a call girl. Voted 'most likely to make a career on her knees' Ashley Dupree had a certain spirit about her as a child, a spirit that can be best described as 'trampish'

James Florentein

Okay America let's get real for a minute, and not Real Time Bill Maher real, I mean really real. What is all the commotion about paying for vaginal pleasures? Am I missing something here? I thought America was all about personal freedom? We have the freedom to buy guns, get drunk and or drive, and the God given right to look at boobies at any time of the day.

Why then America can't a healthy American man buy a snatch sandwich after a hard day of work?

If anything we should be encouraging more American prostitution, it might be one of the last things we can corner the market in. What's that you say? Thai girls are 20 years ahead of our prostitutes Shit! See America, you're loosing out on yet another economic battle. 

All I'm saying is that we as Americans can do better. We can make better schools, kick more terrorist ass, and also provide the best top shelf cooter to paying customers. This is the land of the free, not the land of the free, except when it comes to paying for a woman to tie you up and spank your buttocks until you develop small but adorable blisters.

Get your act together America, this is one fight that is actually worth fighting.

I know many (both) of our loyal readers were dismayed by the budget woes and firing of James O'shea at the LA Times, but fear not, Sam Zell has just the right dose of Americana to save the rag.  He recently inspired his OC (yeah, I said it) employees with this stirring defense of allowing strip club ads in the Times, and the Founding Fathers:

Some of my best friends go to gentlemen's clubs. It's unAmerican not to like pussy.

God Bless America!

According to Italian sexologist, Serenella Salomoni, having sex with your co-workers improves your productivity.

So the next time I hit on the hot intern, I don't want to hear all this guff from management about "being creepy" or "using my position to get a handjob".

original post

Powered by ScribeFire.

Hey baby, its almost time for us to do it, and by do it I mean I will to place my penis inside of you, preferably in your vagina.

It’s okay baby there is no need to worry, it’s my first time too. I mean not first time, no baby don’t go anywhere of course I’ve pounded womens before, many many times.  How many times?  Oh probably 47.  Don’t be intimidated by the sheer number girls I’ve buried my extra large bone into, it’s just a result of being as fly as I am.  No baby, really don’t go stay and drink some more bud light.  That’s right baby I’m not only concerned about getting you drunk but also about keeping your ass no larger than it already is. You’re welcome.

In case you didn't feel bad enough about Abu Ghraib, the economy or Dennis Kucinich dropping out of the presidential race taking with him his hot ass wife, now you also need to worry about your neighbor eating you.

In a CNN report on obesity in America, always smiling sellout Indian reporter Sanjay Gupta shows us just how fat the US is.  What is great about the map is how perfectly it matches up to the 2004 presidential election.